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krazyside's Journal
Created on 2007-01-11 21:01:40 (#12018032), last updated 2009-11-14
238 comments received, 342 comments posted
Basic Account [Gift]
200 Journal Entries, 12 Tags, 3 Memories, 0 Virtual Gifts, 5 Userpics
Basic Info| Name: | my_krazy_side |
|---|---|
| Location: | Air Strip One, United Kingdom |
BioI have decided to make this journal completly anonymous.
This is my "shadow" livejournal - all the things I can't or won't put in my main lj because I don't want family or friends to see it. With this I can go to support groups and write krazy posts detailing what it's like to be a bit round the bend. (and feel completely round the bend, generally show my inner insanity while maintaining my outward poise as a Cool Person and member in good standing of The Clique)
A little about myself -I am a thirtysomething loser from the UK, with a very vague IT background. I'm really am bisexual, to the point where it's annoying because of the difficulty of getting enough sex (and all the wannabes). Ho hum.
I am jobless and have mental health problems including what the psych. boys would call: episodes of depression, mild depersonalisation / dissociation, transient stress related paranoia, chronic self harm, sleep problems and problems relating to other people (particularly in relationships). I suspect that I may have Borderline Personality Disorder or be in recovery from BPD- I have a lot of BPD traits, like getting into lots of trouble, crap relationships, horrible childhood, narcissistic tendencies, the aforementioned transient stress-related paranoid ideation, the aforementioned self-harm, thrill seeking, treating the help like shit, rages, always looking for something to "belong" to, serious abandonment issues and general madness. The reason I think I might be in recovery is that I can at least accept the possibility that I am mad, and also I have noticed how I have made myself into a victim in the past through stupid and / or unpleasant behaviour. Also I no longer think that a relationship is a magic wand that can be waved over my life that will make it all better.
I have had two horrible relationships in the last couple of years which have caused me to re-evaluate whether it is a good idea for me to date ever again, to be honest, but as usual I suppose I will end up with another maniac just as soon as I feel even remotely self confident.
My counsellor has said I used to have "schitzoid" tendencies, but then she's a Melanie Klein worshipper (I don't have a lot of time for the worshipping), so fuck that. Again, I have noted that I have BPD traits but the only doctor to have examined me for this has claimed (after a VERY short session) that I didn't have BPD, but I did have three Valiums inside me at the time and this guy was a complete dick - one of those government issue psychs that's massively overworked and therefore doesn't have much time for individuals unless they're really blatantly acting out. Also my usual therapist said I have passive-agressive tendencies, to which I agree, and would add that there's obviously some codependance in the mix too. I suppose I am what you might call messed up; this is my safe space in which to be messed up in company, without all my friends finding out and thinking I am being an asshole drama queen.
I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do about all this, but I've not had much luck with the NHS as they are useless, so am proceeding with some cheap counselling / therapy once a week. It helps me get through the day but I am still looking for that breakthrough / breakdown that will show me the way... or maybe not...
One more thing - if you start watching my posts and stuff it is imperative not to worry if I suddenly stop posting for a while. It probably means that I've either given up or feel better (for now) or I'm avoiding it because I find this LJ to be triggering in itsself or at least feel wierd in a different way.
This is my "shadow" livejournal - all the things I can't or won't put in my main lj because I don't want family or friends to see it. With this I can go to support groups and write krazy posts detailing what it's like to be a bit round the bend. (and feel completely round the bend, generally show my inner insanity while maintaining my outward poise as a Cool Person and member in good standing of The Clique)
A little about myself -I am a thirtysomething loser from the UK, with a very vague IT background. I'm really am bisexual, to the point where it's annoying because of the difficulty of getting enough sex (and all the wannabes). Ho hum.
I am jobless and have mental health problems including what the psych. boys would call: episodes of depression, mild depersonalisation / dissociation, transient stress related paranoia, chronic self harm, sleep problems and problems relating to other people (particularly in relationships). I suspect that I may have Borderline Personality Disorder or be in recovery from BPD- I have a lot of BPD traits, like getting into lots of trouble, crap relationships, horrible childhood, narcissistic tendencies, the aforementioned transient stress-related paranoid ideation, the aforementioned self-harm, thrill seeking, treating the help like shit, rages, always looking for something to "belong" to, serious abandonment issues and general madness. The reason I think I might be in recovery is that I can at least accept the possibility that I am mad, and also I have noticed how I have made myself into a victim in the past through stupid and / or unpleasant behaviour. Also I no longer think that a relationship is a magic wand that can be waved over my life that will make it all better.
I have had two horrible relationships in the last couple of years which have caused me to re-evaluate whether it is a good idea for me to date ever again, to be honest, but as usual I suppose I will end up with another maniac just as soon as I feel even remotely self confident.
My counsellor has said I used to have "schitzoid" tendencies, but then she's a Melanie Klein worshipper (I don't have a lot of time for the worshipping), so fuck that. Again, I have noted that I have BPD traits but the only doctor to have examined me for this has claimed (after a VERY short session) that I didn't have BPD, but I did have three Valiums inside me at the time and this guy was a complete dick - one of those government issue psychs that's massively overworked and therefore doesn't have much time for individuals unless they're really blatantly acting out. Also my usual therapist said I have passive-agressive tendencies, to which I agree, and would add that there's obviously some codependance in the mix too. I suppose I am what you might call messed up; this is my safe space in which to be messed up in company, without all my friends finding out and thinking I am being an asshole drama queen.
I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do about all this, but I've not had much luck with the NHS as they are useless, so am proceeding with some cheap counselling / therapy once a week. It helps me get through the day but I am still looking for that breakthrough / breakdown that will show me the way... or maybe not...
One more thing - if you start watching my posts and stuff it is imperative not to worry if I suddenly stop posting for a while. It probably means that I've either given up or feel better (for now) or I'm avoiding it because I find this LJ to be triggering in itsself or at least feel wierd in a different way.
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